Shoes for Crews

She has these shoes I really can’t stand and wears them all the time.  White Sketchers.  So sick and so old lady.  But I guess she is 50 now, so it’s okay.

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Hit the Deck!

Whenever I had a dentist or doctors appointment I would have my mom schedule it in the morning if possible.  I knew that I could convince her to let me stay with her for the rest of the day and not go back to school.  One time, after a dentist appointment, she let me stay.  As we pulled into the driveway my mom yelled “hit the deck!”.  My dad’s car was parked outside of the house. “Dang it! What’s he doing home?”. She knew he’d be mad, so she had me lay on the floor in the back of our 15 passenger van and threw some magazines and candy bars back for me to read until he left.  He took about and hour to leave. He still doesn’t know, not that he’d be surprised.

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Nose Picker

She’s got to learn things that work for others won’t always work for her. I guess mom saw my dad’s reaction once to a road rager. Instead of flipping him off, he pretended he was picking his nose obnoxiously. So mom one day, driving by herself, cut someone off. This guy wasn’t happy, he sped around her and she thought she’d give dad’s technique a try. Of course when she does it she exaggerates it insanely. Well she’d messed with the wrong guy. He got behind her and followed her around town. She was freaked out. She tried losing him in residential areas, but he was right behind her. After about 45 minutes she drove to the police station and parked right outside the doors. It worked, and he finally drove away.

She ignores the honks and taunting now, unless she thinks it’s me.

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Going Up?

Kimberly had a job as an elevator girl at a hotel when she was 17.  She would stand in a smoky elevator and push the buttons to the floor where you wanted to go.  She did it for 2 years.  Very exciting and challenging.  She did such a good job at it that she got promoted to an old fashioned switchboard telephone operator.  She was sooo excited.  About a month into the promotion, she messed up big time.  She accidentally connected a wife calling in with her husband, who happened to be on the line already with his mistress.  I guess the husband got upset and went to management, his wife heard everything he had been hiding.  Kim found herself back in the elevator the very next day. 

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At Kimberly’s funeral she said it’s okay if we sing “Ding, dong the witch is dead!”.

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Cool Gift

Dad got Mom the coolest gift ever: a Freshette.  Look it up.  They sell it at REI.  Kimberly loves it.  She uses it at home cause she thinks it’s cool that she can stand up and go pee.  He got it so she would want to go camping with her.  I’m not sure if she’s ever used it outdoors. 

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Alien Royalty

Kimberly was adopted at birth. Whenever she’s asked what nationality she is, or anything about her background she claims she’s an alien.  Oprah had a long lost sister, so now she swears she’s related to Princess Di somehow.  She still remembers “exactly where I was when I found out she died”. She didn’t come out of her room for 4 days. She thought she was entitled to part of her wardrobe or jewelery. I had to remind her that  Di’s stuff wasn’t Juicy Couture or The North Face, so she wouldn’t want it anyway.

I think she looks like the alien more…but that’s just me.

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Pens and Glasses

One time when my mom was talking to the bishop at our church and he had to write something down.  She reached into her purse and pulled out what she thought was a pen and held it straight up and said “here!”.  It was a tampon.

This is not the first time she’s had a tampon mishap. She was in high school, had a new boyfriend, and she was crazy about him… so hot. She went with him to the eyeglass shop to pick out his new specs.  She thought while she was there she’d have the screw on her glasses (probably fake ones just to make her look cool/smart) tightened.  She pulled out her glasses case, opened it up and a tampon flew across the floor. It slid past her new beau.  Ahhh!  She picked it up and smoothly and kept on walking, right out the door . She forgot she hid her stash in there.  It was a good idea at the time, but those are things you should probably remember.  That relationship didn’t last long.

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Gracie Cookies

9 months pregnant with her 8th child, mom was ready to pop.  A week before Grace’s due date,  Dad took all the kids to church to let her rest. She got a craving and breaks out the Keebler’s Fudge Stripe cookies… our treat if we were good at church. She goes to town on those bad boys.  Scarfing like crazy.  Before she knows it there’s only  two cookies left, and crumbs all over the place. Oops! (How is that possible!?) She decides she should leave the two cookies in the box and put it back in the cupboard so it looked like nothing happened.  The kids got home from church and were devastated that the cookies were gone.  Where could they all have gone? She fessed up, and we looked at her in disgust.  We fought over the last cookies and went about our day, then went to bed.  She wakes up a couple hours later cramping and had “the worst diarrhea of my life”.  She’s never been early before, always induced, so she didn’t know what was happening.  She wakes my dad up and they go to the hospital.  She was in labor.  Grace had the cord around her neck, she pooped on the way out and got some in her mouth, and they found that she had something messed up with her sugar levels.  Uh, oh… she’s caught. Is this my fault? She thought the cookies were behind her, but now she had to ask the doctor a question.  “Hey, would it matter if I ate some cookies yesterday?”she said.  “Probably not, how many did you have?” he asked.  Embarrassed, she said “A couple.”  “More than three?” he asked. “yes”… “five?”  “yes more than five.” “Well how many?” he asked.  “uhhh… 22.” She said quietly.  He couldn’t believe it, and laughed sooo hard.  He had delivered 7 of her 8 children and knew this woman was serious. Turns out Grace was okay, they just had to stabilize her glucose levels.  For the next couple days, Mom would catch nurses peeking into her room and giggling.  Wow Mom, that’s messed up!

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The family goes to Las Margaritas a lot.  They know we need extra salsa for mom to drink, and to keep the chips flowing.  Mom gets nervous around anyone with an accent and always does something worth watching.  Our waiter brought out our food, and mom was having fajitas.  He’s got the hot sizzling plate in his bare hands and needed somewhere on the table to put it.  He looked at Kimberly and asked her to move something.  She looked at him with a big grin, put out her hands to grab the plate. He said “Hot plate” and tried to find a place for it.  Mom put her hands out again to get it, said “yes” and he pulled his hands back. This went on for quite a while, she going to grab it, and him pulling it back so it wouldn’t burn her, saying“hot plate”. She, as usual was not paying attention and didn’t understand him. At this point he was juggling the plate like a hot potato and was ready to drop it. He asked her again to move something… “Yes” was all she said and stared at him. We were all laughing and finally Dad reached over and moved the empty basket of chips and salsa away from her and the waiter was able to put the hot plate down.  “Oh… Thank you.” she said to the guy.

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